


George Washington's Diaries

by Farla



Category: Homestuck
Genre: BTF, Gen, rbtf
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-23
Updated: 2012-12-23
Packaged: 2017-11-22 01:52:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,600
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/604520
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Farla/pseuds/Farla
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>TT: Haven't you ever wondered how George Washington, formerly best known as the author of the most boring diaries ever written, suddenly started writing like he'd gotten his mitts on John the Baptist's shrooms not long after he was made president?</p>
            </blockquote>





	George Washington's Diaries

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Etnoe](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Etnoe/gifts).



[1760]  
Thursday April 17th. By 3 Oclock in the afternoon Mr. Triplet finishd the Wall between the Dairy and Kitchen. The Rain from that time prevented his Working.

Sowed my Clover Field with Oats, 24 Bushels. The upper part next the Peach Orchard was Harrowed in during the Rain but before it began to Clog much.

Also sowd 18 Rows of Lucerne in the 12 Acre Field below the Hill. The first 4 Rows were Sowd in Drils the others by a line stretchd and the Seed Raked In.

Richd. Stephens brot. Down 9 Hogsheads of Tobo. to go to the Inspection at Hunting in a flat which I borrowd (or I rather suppose hird) from Messrs. Carlyle and Dalton--wch. Flat brot. down 4 Barrels of Corn--being part of Eight that I was to have had of William Garner at the rate of 9/. pr. Barl. to be paid in Pistoles or Dollars. It seems the other 4 Barrels I am to get from Garner's House.

A Fresh Southerly Wind blew all day. Towards Noon it shifted more East and by 3 Oclock it began Raining and continued so to do witht. Intermission till we went to Bed & how long afterwards I know not.

[1790]  
Monday 18th. Still indisposed with an Aching tooth, and swelled and inflamed Gum. Had a mad Vision, men lapping water the color of flowers from metal Taps with empty Gums like a Babe's. Gross things, fat as Sows.

[1799]  
April 13th. A foul Knight giant as a fallen Nephilim in the Hallways cutting men as Men cut wheat. Some Monarchist's Assassin, but Whose? It could be England that is the Culprit of but I Cannot think they would stoop so Low for all they have Reason. No I Fear it is an internal Affair. He must be aided by Conspirators here to get so far no matter if the one who Sends him is Foreign or not.

The Tories must be cut out Stem and Root, Amputated like a rotting Limb before the Patient is Wholly lost!

 

TT: Haven't you ever wondered how George Washington, formerly best known as the author of the most boring diaries ever written, suddenly started writing like he'd gotten his mitts on John the Baptist's shrooms not long after he was made president?  
GG: You mean ergot? There were a lot of outbreaks of ergot back then. People would end up eating it without realizing their food was contaminated.  
TT: That's a no then.  
GG: There's lots of real explanations that I'm sure make more sense than whatever new story you're going to tell me to prove you're from the future and used your future machines to go back in time to once and for all answer the question of what was wrong with George Washington's brain.  
TT: Jane. What reason do I have to lie about this?  
GG: I don't know...  
GG: I think...maybe you just don't want to admit you were lying.  
GG: Maybe you two meant this to be a quick laugh. You'd spin this wild yarn, I'd fall for it like a rube, you'd announce you'd 'pranked me'.  
GG: And say that since you admitted to lying it wasn't such a big deal and you were still honest overall.  
GG: Perhaps you'd tell me it wasn't really a lie at all but just a harmless, funny jape since you admitted the truth immediately afterward.  
GG: (WHICH IS NOT TRUE BY THE WAY)  
TT: Strong feelings.  
GG: It's just such a stupid idea! It gets me steamed just thinking about it!  
GG: People who say something then say that actually something different is true haa haa all the time should have their big round stupid heads cracked open.  
TT: Noted. But if I was doing that I'd have said it was all a not very funny joke by now, wouldn't I?  
GG: Unless you don't want to accept you couldn't trick me, so you kept up the ruse expecting at any moment I'd fall for it to give you the opening to then confess and end the charade.  
GG: And the longer it went on, the worse it'd be to give up with success just out of reach.  
GG: Both of you hate failing at anything after all!  
GG: And before you know it, it's been going on so long you can't really admit to it because the time for admitting it's a lie has passed long ago.  
TT: Sounds like you're pretty certain.  
TT: Who am I to argue?

 

TG: so its up to me to expalin  
TG: the thing dirk was broughgt up  
TG: and then droped like it was some narled bull dick leaving me holding the super ancient history ball  
TG: * dropped  
GG: You mean your far future discoveries about why George Washington went crazy?  
TG: old george washinton wasnt crayz  
TG: he was seeing the end of america  
TG: the preisent part anyway  
TG: * presdien  
TG: * president  
TG: but he didnt have any idea wat he was seein  
TG: or when which is the improitnat part  
TG: like  
TG:   
Skull-faced Heathens cavort on the grass in Foul revels while a Slave is kept in the Highest Office dressed like a Child's Doll to Mock our dreams of Freedom  
TG: tahs not hapeninin at the same time!  
TG: * thats * happening  
TG: he just didnt think a black dude would ever get elected  
TG: enjoy obama while it lasts btw  
TG: so george toght it was part of america being subjugatd  
TG: * thought * subjdate  
TG: * subjuggat  
TG: * taken over  
TG: that was back befre movies taught everyone about how black preisdents and disaster go to tgethter like faygo and diabetes  
GG: Faygo?  
TG: like regular soda but more evil  
GG: Okay.  
TG: cant even do a decent mixer witht eth stuff  
GG: Maybe it's not evil, it's just trying to save your liver.  
TG: u dirnk the stuff and try sayin that  
TG: or beter yet dont its awful  
TG: the poiont janey is he put alot of stuff together rong  
TG: *point  
TG: he eevn thoigt some good guys were bad guzs  
TG: *even *guys  
TG: *thought  
TG: and bad guys wre good  
TG: like the batterwhich  
TG: he gets a few glimps of her hornd evil but when she puts on a rspcetable front he falls for it like ervybody did  
TG: no idea at all shes the source of it all with her cakey empire  
TG: old dude sees a lady selling flour and is like  
TG: so thats that then booorin and doesnt care  
TG: and you know how he tried to pass that amendment sayin women wwerent included in the second amendment  
TG: its because of rose!  
GG: Rose Lalonde, the famous author who coincidentally is your mother.  
TG: yes she opposes teh batterwich  
TG: she is amazin  
TG: so amazing  
TG: also she blows up alot of stuff in the process  
TG: between that and the fact she wears makeup and shows some iunstokinged ankle preisent oldtiemr figured she was trying to destroy america  
TG: unstockinged* president*   
TG: so now do you belive me?  
GG: It's a very interesting tale, but...  
TG: janey no  
TG: no butts  
GG: :(  
GG: Everyone knows George Washington had syphilis, or lead poisoning, or some other old timey thing!  
GG: He was like a more interesting American Nostradamus.  
TG: a who now  
GG: People have been making up stories and speculation about his crazy evil future world ever since the government grudgingly declassified his diaries.  
GG: The idea Obama's the herald of the end was thrown about for the whole election. There's still some people insisting his dad can't have been Kenyan because they're sure he has to be of American slave descent and the whole birther conspiracy where they keep demanding to see his dad's birth certificate or else the paternity test proving it's really his dad, then insisting whatever they're shown is fake.  
GG: Which is particularly stupid because if you read it in context he's talking about a slave being kept there because the entire presidency has fallen, not because it's some sort of apocalypse bingo sheet!  
GG: It's really all a reflection of his prejudices and fears mixed with religion. Improper women with power, monarchy reasserting itself, the country he's president of turned back into colonies... He's worried about a slave in the Oval Office because he knew slaves and the idea of men like him becoming slaves as well was the worst thing he could imagine! And the teethless people is because he was losing his teeth, everyone knows that. It's not all that inexplicable in context. It's only weird and crazy when you try to be literal about it.  
GG: You can make up all sorts of absurd things if you just riff off what he talks about.  
GG: Like the grey demon harlot that he says will cloud mens' minds people say is behind his attempt to add an amendment banning women from ever holding any position in the government or talking to anyone in any office. I could say she's...an alien! And his talk of her being a grey demon is because of that, and her shameless thin outfit he's so flustered by is just because it's some modern space suit. And say she's got psychic powers to manipulate people, because that's the science explanation for witches.  
GG: You see? I can make up things that are just as outlandish!  
TG: did dirk say soemthing about th battrewitch to you  
GG: I can think up my own silly stories thank you!


End file.
